The moment "if only" slips from our lips, the voice inside passes judgment instantly: You made a mistake, you're on the wrong path, you must bear the consequences. Society teaches us life as if it were a straight highway with a single correct road sign. If you took the wrong turn, you are to blame. That is why hearing "if only" immediately brings to mind a sense of regret and guilt; it pierces our minds and catches in our throats. Yet life is neither that straight line nor does every decision have a single correct answer.
The moment our brain hears the words "if only," it immediately starts writing a script. It takes our present-day wisdom, goes back to that moment in the past, and says, "Look, if you had done this there, everything would have been peachy." But the one making that decision back then was moving with the fatigue, awareness, fears, or excitement of that specific day. That was the most realistic decision that could be made for that moment. Looking back and saying "if only" after time has passed is nothing more than putting ourselves on trial and judging ourselves in absentia.
Moreover, while our brain does this, it plays a massive trick on us: It glorifies the path we didn't choose and dazzles our eyes. As we look from today and wonder, "What would have happened if I had chosen that path?", our brain skillfully erases its upcoming slopes, mud, and storms. What remains is a sparkling, smooth illusion. It doesn't do this to upset us; actually, it does it so we can escape today's distress and the weight currently on our shoulders and take refuge there. Since the end of the unknown is invisible, we fill it with the best scenario we know, thus momentarily escaping the responsibility of today.
Yet "if only" doesn't always have to be a punishment for getting stuck in the past. Sometimes an "if only" stems not from having made a mistake, but simply from a pure curiosity wondering, "I wonder what kind of view the other trail led to?" It is a person hearing their own inner voice, perhaps noticing another aspect of themselves they had forgotten.
All that to say, saying "if only" is a good thing. You might ask, "Why good? Wouldn't it be better to live in a way that you never have to say 'if only'?" In truth, living so that you never have to say "if only" means living by the straight path dictated to you, never taking risks, never trying, never learning, and failing to experience what life offers you. Yet when you can say "if only," the fact that you can look back with today's wisdom and say "if I had done this, maybe it would have been like that" is proof that you have put that experience into your pocket. The "you" of that day had chosen to live under those conditions, to experience life, and to learn.
The point is not never saying "if only," but rather standing without letting that word crush us, with the proud ownership of the lived experience behind it.
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